April was supposed to be the month that the newest James Bond film was due to hit our screens, but as we\u2019re sure we don\u2019t need to tell you, the state of Spring 2020 so far has rather put paid to that. So instead, allow us to indulge you in a bit of classic Bond reminiscence by looking back on his classic automotive gadgets, and taking them far too seriously. We settled on three categories; practicality, subtlety and overall awesomeness. Would you happily install these in your vehicle, or would you be too worried about they might end up scrapping your car?<\/p>\n
Practicality – 3<\/strong> We\u2019ll start with something simple, and to be honest probably fairly easy to implement for the geniuses at Q branch. This one was first deployed by Timothy Dalton\u2019s Bond in The Living Daylights, who uses it to ramp himself up and over a military blockade. But to be honest, most of us would find it fairly handy for beating the rush hour traffic, taking a few valuable minutes out of the school run, or shaving a few hours off cross-country Christmas visits. Steering might become a problem though, and inertia is not your friend at those speeds. Come to think of it, there are plenty of reasons that in the real world we tend to install these things on world-class dragsters, rather than Vauxhall Corsas.<\/p>\n Practicality – 1<\/strong> In terms of showstopping gadgets, active camouflage is certainly one that gets heads turning. Or rather, it doesn\u2019t. It made its film debut in the enjoyably ludicrous Die Another Day – a film made at the turn of the millennium, and boy don\u2019t you just know it. With blockbusters like the Matrix and Armageddon hitting cinemas, the early 2000s was the quintessential age of over-the-top special effects, and this 2002 Bond film has them in spades. Enter the Aston Martin Vanquish, which acted as the perfect vehicle for the then-cutting-edge CGI. Bond employed his active camouflage to great effect against an arch rival in the sprawling ice-fields and frozen palace of the film\u2019s climax.<\/p>\n Now the problem is that realistically, deserted wide open spaces are really the best place for it. The best thing about active camouflage is that no one can see you, and the worst thing is that no one can see you<\/em>. Sure, you might occasionally be tempted to use it to zip by a speed camera, but that advantage is more than outweighed by the idea of an oblivious motorist ploughing straight into you – whether they\u2019re changing lanes, trying to turn across you, or simply driving up the overtake lane behind you. Come to think of it, this constant and potentially lethal danger would be present in almost every conceivable environment in which you\u2019d care to use it, so it\u2019s probably one to keep on the back burner, short of any final showdowns with your nemesis.<\/p>\n Practicality – 3<\/strong> Another solid entry from Die Another Day, this one technically isn\u2019t a Bond gadget as it\u2019s installed on the Jaguar XKR of the aforementioned villain, Tang Ling Zao. We\u2019ll give it a pass though, because it indisputably maxes out the awesomeness gauge. Let\u2019s be honest, we\u2019re sure you can think of plenty of scenarios in which you\u2019d find it useful in everyday driving too. It\u2019s the ultimate catharsis for road rage, and certainly nobody would dare cut you up on the M6. Or abruptly slow down to look for an address. Or park anywhere near your assigned space. In fact, we\u2019d hedge a bet as to say everyone would be on their very best behaviour around you, all the time.<\/p>\n Not that you\u2019d get that far out onto the roads in the first place. The UK has some of the strictest firearm laws in the world, so if we\u2019ve banned handguns, it\u2019s a surefire bet that the hulking great instrument of fiery destruction will draw a few curious glances from the law.<\/p>\n Practicality – 5<\/strong> They may not be much to look at, but run-flat tyres are a pretty underrated gadget of Bond\u2019s, if you ask us. It\u2019s a well-worn criticism of Bond movies that he tends to find just the right scenarios to deploy every one of his (often single-use) gadgets, but run-flat tyres are definitely one of the most universally useful. Even to people who aren\u2019t super-suave super-spies. In fact, so obvious are their uses that they spent relatively little time in the realm of fiction, and you can buy them for your own car today. Equally useful whether you\u2019re fleeing from cat-loving criminal masterminds or you\u2019ve just hit a particularly nasty pothole on the way back from the office.<\/p>\n Practicality – 2<\/strong> Ejector seats aren\u2019t science fiction either, but Bond tends to use them to get rid of troublesome passengers. Case in point; he first uses it in Goldfinger to rid himself of a would-be assassin. The roof opens and the chair catapults the guy up and out. It\u2019s a pretty neat trick. So how would you use it in real life?<\/p>\n Well, hopefully you wouldn\u2019t be using to get rid of assassins, but maybe you\u2019re a pioneering taxi driver, or a time-pressed parent, and you\u2019re just looking for a slightly more efficient way of dropping off your passengers at your destination. Or maybe they\u2019re side-seat driving. Maybe you just don\u2019t like them. Whatever the case, you want them gone.<\/p>\n Unfortunately, there are several problems with using it in cars in real life. If you\u2019ve watched the Goldfinger scene with that assassin, you\u2019ll note that the seat doesn\u2019t go with him. So assuming it\u2019s just a human flying out the top of your car alone, then just as with the rocket boost, physics isn\u2019t going to be kind to them. It takes quite a lot of explosive energy to make that kind of mechanism work, and it\u2019s really tricky to build up in that kind of confined space if the chair stays where it is. Not to mention the unlikelihood of a full size adult human going neatly through that gap. They\u2019d also need to be heavily armoured to survive the landing, and go out at an angle to avoid dropping down in the road.<\/p>\n Alternatively, the seat goes with them. OK, slightly easier but it\u2019s still got to obey Newton\u2019s Second Law of Motion. We\u2019ve got some precedent – when fighter pilot ejects, they\u2019re exposed to acceleration of up to 30g, for the very briefest of seconds. We won\u2019t get too much into the science, but 1g is about the equivalent of the force of normal Earth gravity. That means if you\u2019d like your passenger to survive, they need specialist protective equipment. And they\u2019re still likely to suffer back problems afterwards (as 25% of ejected pilots do). Plus, you\u2019ll need to go back and get the seat.<\/p>\n The other alternative involves using it as a mechanism for the driver, but if you manoeuvre your vehicle like someone who might need an ejector seat then frankly you really shouldn\u2019t be behind the wheel anyway.<\/p>\n Practicality – 0<\/strong> It was clearly a late Friday afternoon at Q branch when they thought of this one. It was presented to Bond in the Living Daylights as a self-destruct system that primarily served as an anti-theft device, and technically we guess you could say that it works in that sense. Yes. It certainly is a viable anti-theft device. But it has some flaws. Do\u2026 do we need to explain the flaws? We feel pretty confident in saying that most of us tend to rely on slightly less terminal means of preventing our motors from being lifted, preferably ones that don\u2019t send you sky-high if you knock them with your elbow or something.<\/p>\n We\u2019re sure the discerning Commander Bond wasn\u2019t too thrilled about using the self-destruct either, especially since it involved the destruction of a beautiful V8 Vantage Volante. Q was apparently unmoved by this though, since his Friday feeling vibes then manifested themselves in the form of a similar \u2018gadget\u2019 in the 1995 film Goldeneye, this time on a wonderful BMW Z3 roadster. But at least in that film, the self-destruct was never employed. In fact, none of the gadgets were used at all. Q apparently got the hint after that, since the self-destruct has never been featured on another Bond car to date.<\/p>\n An honourable mention goes to the submarine, which would be spectacularly helpful in skipping the long queues on the way out of Dover, but we\u2019ve not included that here as technically it\u2019s less of a gadget than a very specialised car (which disqualifies it from our completely arbitrary rules).<\/p>\n
\nSubtlety – 5<\/strong>
\nAwesomeness – 4<\/strong><\/p>\n2. Active camouflage<\/h2>\n
\nSubtlety – 5<\/strong>
\nAwesomeness – 5<\/strong><\/p>\n3. Rear mounted gatling gun<\/h2>\n
\nSubtlety – 0<\/strong>
\nAwesomeness – 5<\/strong><\/p>\n4. Run flat tyres<\/h2>\n
\nSubtlety – 5<\/strong>
\nAwesomeness – 2<\/strong><\/p>\n5. Ejector seat<\/h2>\n
\nSubtlety – 5<\/strong>
\nAwesomeness – 4<\/strong><\/p>\n6. Self-destruct system<\/h2>\n
\nSubtlety – 0<\/strong>
\nAwesomeness – 5<\/strong><\/p>\n